Humorous Christmas Quotes

Here’s a collection of humorous Christmas quotes to help you get through the holiday blues. They always put a smile on my face. I hope you enjoy them, too.

Funny Christmas Quotes

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving. ~ Erma Bombeck

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year. ~ Victor Borge

Isn't it funny that at Christmas something in you gets so lonely for - I don't know what exactly, but it's something that you don't mind so much not having at other times. ~ Kate L. Bosher

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. ~ George Carlin

Unless we make Christmas an occasion to share our blessings, all the snow in Alaska won't make it "white". ~ Bing Crosby

Funny SantaWhat I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. ~ Phyllis Diller

Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven. ~ W. C. Fields

Nothing's as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas. ~ Kin Hubbard

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together. ~ Garrison Keillor

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin. ~ Jay Leno

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included. ~ Bernard Manning

There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them. ~ P.J. O'Rourke

There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus. ~ Bob Phillips

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. ~ Shirley Temple

More Humorous Christmas Quotes

Christmas makes me happy no matter what time of year it comes around. ~ Bryan White

Christmas GiftI once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays. ~ Henny Youngman

Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present. ~ Author Unknown

Christmas is a race to see which gives out first - your money or your feet. ~ Author Unknown

Oh, for the good old days when people would stop Christmas shopping when they ran out of money. ~ Author Unknown

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit. ~ Author Unknown

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